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My photographer friend Emily O’Donnell took this at my parents’ house over the weekend. The clothing was found in the basement, courtesy of my sister years ago, no doubt; the cabbage patch doll, the fake blood, and the World War I gas mask are mine. My mouth tasted like the Somme for several hours after wearing the thing.

Emily was taking the photo for class — the theme was ostensibly propaganda — but I got more of a “Parable of the Old Man and the Young” vibe, as I am wearing furs and am protected from the war, while the child suffers. Also an every God damned war ever vibe, to be fair.

All Ukuleles were on sale!

“Where Eagles Dare” by the Misfits; urge to: pump fist and poorly hardcore dance while screaming: “I ain’t no God damn son of a bitch!”.

-”Copperhead Road” by Steve Earle; need to: put fist in air in manner of fratty guy or hipster, both of whom sincerely adore “Don’t Stop Believing” but you hate that song. Flail extra from “they draft the white trash first round here anyway” line until end, scream “now the DEA’s got a chopper in the air!”

“Carry Me Back to Virginia” by Old Crow Medicine Show; must: do some sort of flat-footing while moshing and thinking about poor Confederate soldiers.

“Drunken Lullabies”  by Flogging Molly; used to while restless at age 15-17: actually run into walls of house, closet doors, due to lack of available mosh pit.

“Harlem River Blues” by Justin Townes Earle; you: wave your arms, clap, walk around and generally feel the gospel spirit, which is weird since the song is about committing suicide.

“Oh, Susquehanna” by Defiance Ohio; just: mosh with killingly folk punk earnestness, especially when the girl starts singing.

“Teenagers” by My Chemical Romance; unashamedly: bounce like the mallpunk you never were, even if you technically saw them open for Green Day in 2005, but didn’t pay a lot of attention.

“I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Whitney Houston; dance; for two thirds of the song, get kind of bored, think about how sweet Whitney’s eye makeup is in the video.

“You Ain’t Woman Enough To Take My Man” by Loretta Lynn; country-slink a bit: think about numerous unavailable men who are attractive, apologize in your mind to Loretta.

“Calamity Song” by the Decemberists; sit up straight; write a few bracing words in a Microsoft Word doc because of that excellent beginning, nod because you are just so pumped for your montage of productivity, even if this song seems to be about the end of the world.

“Suffragette City” by David Bowie; dance, using more hips and shoulders than usual: repeat the words you know which are “hey, man” and “suffragette city!” and don’t forget “wham, bam, thank you ma’am.”

“Riot Squad” by Cock Sparrer; he’s in the riot squad: ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh.

-etc.

-etc.